


Epic Rap Battle: Sabretoth vs Rachel Alves

by LadyLustful



Category: Epic Rap Battles of History (Web Series), Marvel (Comics), Punisher - All Media Types, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: (for Rap Battle), Canon-Typical Profanity, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Epic Rap Battle Format, Gen, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, I don't know what I was on when I wrote it, In-universe parody made by Deadpool, Meta, Parody, Well high, and still am, on perfectly legit meds mind you, rated for foul language and graphic threats, rated for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-22 23:32:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10707444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyLustful/pseuds/LadyLustful





	Epic Rap Battle: Sabretoth vs Rachel Alves

**Author's Note:**

  * For [millionsofcoins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/millionsofcoins/gifts), [invisible_cities](https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisible_cities/gifts), [the_math](https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_math/gifts).



“My name's Rachel Cole Alves, I took my husband's name,

I am a one woman army, master of this war game,

you may know me by rep, I have gained quite the fame,

as the woman who puts you to shame

shoots you and stabs you and sets you aflame.

I am a master sniper, I hit and win by a long shot,

A hand to hand specialist, stab you right in the apricot*,

An expert on all warfare, a former marine,

Now I dish out punishment like a modern-day folk heroine.”

 

“Victor Creed. Sabretooth. The Slasher. I'm the ultimate villain.

A serial killer that just keeps on healin' an' killin',

And I don't need a knife, I don't need a gun,

I got fangs and claws, for a bit of good fun,

I kicked the Wolverine's ass too many times to count,

Beat up that little runt and fucked him in his bleeding cunt

I served in two world wars and countless black ops,

I am pro assassin, kill people like a boss.

Don't get arrogant, doll, you think you're the best,

to tell the truth, your only superpower is your... vest...

and your snatch is the only thing bout you that is slick,

You took Cranky Frankie's clothes and copied his shtick,

You think the Punisher's fans are gonna just accept a chick?”

 

“I'd rather be a pretty face than nothing but a dick,

To be frank, Sabretooth, you're gonna be my vic,

I'll make you bleed Creed

one bullet's all that I need,

And I borrowed Frank's vest? Well that's fuckin' cute,

Coming from a Wolverine ripoff with the fashion sense of a prostitute,

but he's the best at what he does, you're just a poor substitute,

a spandex-clad overgrown cat with a fetish for killin'

I liked you better when you were a one-shot Iron Fist villain.”

 

“When fought Iron Fist you didn't even exist,

go shoot yourself like Jenny, you'll never be missed.

You're like a spinoff of a spinoff

of Spider-Man, the lamest ever superhero,

you stole your hair from Black Widow

and you backstory from Tarantino.”

 

“Because a Wolverine ripoff is so fucking original,

at least I think for myself and not run errands for Magneto,

that guy's an Inglourious Basterd, but gay, crazy and less sexy,

squabbling with professor X like two overexcited exes,

now that they've broke up, does he fuck you instead,

and does he hold your leash in bed like he does everywhere else?

 

“Since we're on that topic, are you Frank's beard or his side ho,

you must have gotten used to serving under your C.O.

Regardless, I'll still kill you and send you to him in pieces,

He loves his dead wife? See how he likes his dead mistress.”

 

Well, good luck trying, Creed, but you can't kill me if you're dead

I'll shoot you pointblank in the head

then I'll fill your guts with lead

then dump you in a vat of acid? Or should I use a base instead?

Or maybe take a chainsaw to your lame ass like Dexter except sexier

And since you're trash I'll dump your ass in a garbage incinerator.”

 

*apricot is apparently sniper slang for brainstem. Funny the things you can find on Wikipedia when you're bored enough. 

 


End file.
